I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
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I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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