i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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