I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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