The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
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The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
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He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
They have beer where we have blood.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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