I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize