before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
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it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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