I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation Purity has been aborted
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize