tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
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I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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