Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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