I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
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im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
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He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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