It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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