Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Come share oat with me in your robe
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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