found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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