I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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