just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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