we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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