Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
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My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize