WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
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Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
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My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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