Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize