Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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