i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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