Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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