Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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