I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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