The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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