I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
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there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
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Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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