Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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