my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize