Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
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i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
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I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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