Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i out mim tonsoeep
please don't ironically join a cult
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