I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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