Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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