If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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