I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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