At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
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I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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