I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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