I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
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We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
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My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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