I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
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She said she wanted to have closure sex.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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