My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
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We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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