the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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