You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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