just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
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Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't put those talents on a resume
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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