Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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