Your face is a jimmy john
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
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I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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