Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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