I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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