Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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