I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
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Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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