i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
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Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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