i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
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My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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